FFM1: Of Night and Chocolate

Tonight is navy dark and bitter like chocolate.

I can't recall a time you didn't carry it with you. You like its thickness, I know; the promise of blind isolation, a camouflage to your silence. Your absence. You're not really here, admit it - this effort of dragging you out is a failure, judging by the distance. Look at me, will you?
We barely see each other anymore as is.

I'm near-sighted; can't see perspective in the dark. I guess I like the night though; with patient stillness, over and over, I've learned to navigate its spaces, and it accepts me in its depths. I think. Yes, I like the night - for what it is, for all it lacks. Mostly.
Because sometimes, it lasts too long and feels too grey; I just give up and in to sleep. It helps to dream in color.

What about you? Still no words? Hm, I don't get you. I can't tell - did I bully you into hanging out, or is this some twisted reluctant willingness? Decide, what are you - a pushover, or simply not interested?

You shrug? You're kidding me - we've known each other for a decade, and all I get is a halfhearted distracted shrug?
...If I didn't call, would it matter, just a bit? Think you'd notice if I moved to the other side of the country? Would you at least wonder why I weren't bothering you anymore? No?
No, of course you wouldn't, would you, who am I kidding – and when someone asks whatever happened to that freckled kid you just happened to be inseparable from for three years (three years, damn it!), you'll just... you'll shrug! You'll shrug and claim some bullshit about it being a fact of life, a common fact of life - people loosing touch, going their separate ways  - bull.shit! No one just... falls out of contact; it requires active decision making, active procrastination and demotion of a relationship as a priority; but you don't do active - I bet you wouldn't even look back if someone walked out while your back was turned, while you looked at your stars...
What's with the arrogant smirk?

You know what? You hypocrite! -  you act as if attachment is the doom of things because of the risk of pain and disappointment and being let down, yet you inflict it upon others - why not avoid people altogether? Why try to blend in if you reject connection?
Truth is, you give nada back, but take all you can - all the people who secretly hate you a little will flock to you against their better judgment and pull you through whatever marsh of self doubt you're exploring at the time, and, surely, once on solid ground you'll act as if their help was unneeded and meaningless, as if you would have climbed out all on your own, a complete waste of their devotion - ungrateful, stuck up, aloof bastard! Moreover!
Moreover, when those who are friends to you need support, you won't move a step until they ask; request the mighty jerk to not just stand on the deck and furrow his brow in useless compassion, but to actually bend down for once, pick up and throw the freaking rescue buoy; maybe jump in himself, for once!
And even if you, heavens forbid, end up moving a muscle on behalf of another, it'll only make them more hopeful – it'll only make them hate you a little more, for having had to ask; for neither holding on nor really letting go.

But I'm not being fair – even if I'm not one of them, there are people you cling to. I've seen you light up and religiously gush about them, about the silly, even unimpressive things they do – such idolizing infatuation, and still – you never do anything. Never compromise your position to learn them, find out whether you're worshipping real people or the images you've created of them. You know what that makes you?
A coward.
Can't believe that all this time I tried being friends with a coward. Ungrateful one at that.
Enjoy your chocolate and your stars.

What is this! Let go my foot, how dare!... you! This whole time, you've had nothing to say, NOTHING, and now, what the hell is this!? Let go! Release! Don't you see that's what I'm trying to reach by telling you this - release, from you. What do you want, why the lingering stare –
Ugh, if you reacted earlier, I wouldn't have said any of that… It really is easy to insult you to your face; you look like it all bounces off you, which by the way only provokes people to try and break you.
Heh, you could at least pretend to be affected, for time's sake – no doubt I'm not the only wasting breath trying to grasp on to the smooth reflective surface of your shell.

You're the only one I hate, you know.